RelationshipWebinar - My behaviour pattern

#. My pattern

1. What I have been doing to attract people to me.

1) Easy going.

2) Make an effort to make people comfortable.

3)Make an effort not to make people feel alone or denied.

2. The incidence that makes me upset or uncomfortable.

1) I hate to be left alone suddenly when I am not informed previously.

I hate to be left alone after meeting people as well and prefer to go to meet them and come back.

#. Incidence that I recall by inquiry

1) When - It might be the first cleaning time in my primary school.

2) Where - In my classroom

3) What happen  -

I was dusting the floor of my classroom with dust and pan as thinking mopping looked fun.

At some point it seemed something was going on.

Classmates were talking about something with looking at me time to time.

And somebody shouted out raising a mop on his hand.

"Who wants to do a mop?"

I thought We already almost finished cleaning so felt a bit strange but I replied loudly with joy.

"I will do."

And when I started mopping classmates got ready to leave for home.

"You need to finish cleaning."

I was left alone and finished that.

I thought I have to do that otherwise felt something wrong would happen.

Q1) Why did I thought that I "had to" stay for cleaning even though I was alone at that young age 8 ?

4) How was the experience -

Quiet. Alone. People don't like me. Afraid rather than sad.

Regret that I said I would do when I had feeling weird.

I didn't blame classmates but was feeling something wrong with me.

5) Decisions that I have made

Should be quiet.

Don't and can't say to friends. Hide myself.

I am not a friend.

People don't want to be with me.

People don't like me.

I cannot be in a group.

I am alone in other words there is me and there is world out there.

I am outside of the world.

I have to get ready for being alone.

I have to do all by myself.

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Hm....buy now I have doubt.

Is my memory right? 

I am actually not sure after all.

This incidence has a very big impact on my relationship.

I have made myself adjust to be alone and hold breathing or stop self-expression when being with other people.

It is a barrier to get closer to people and share emotion.

Social activity become hard working and causes tiredness .

6) What I give up and forgive?

7) From nothing, what possibility do I invent for myself and my life?