책, 미 비포 유

비슷한 시기에 백수놀이를 했던 씸양과 나, 가끔 요즘 읽는 책에 대해서 말한다.

그녀는 미 비포 유를 꼭 읽으라고 볼 때마다 얘기했다.

로맨스 소설은 굳이 골라 읽지 않는 나이지만 씸양의 추천작들은 언제나 내 마음에 남는 편이었고

그녀와 함께 공감하고 싶은 마음에, 

그리고 존엄사 논란을 불러 일으킨 작품이라기에 읽었다.

나도 빠졌다.

화자가 여주인공이라서 윌의 감정선은 여주인공 시점으로 밖에 잘 안 느껴졌지만

윌의 센스 있는 꿀벌 무늬 스타킹 선물, 

음악회 다녀와서 차안에 좀 더 있자고 말하던 때,

이런... 멋진 사람.

윌이 존엄사를 결심한 것을 나는 이해할 수 있을 것 같았다.

그가 얼마나 자신의 삶을 사랑했었는지를 그 결정으로 부터 알 수 있을 것 같았다.

루이자와 서로 사랑하게 되었음에도 죽음을 선택한 그가, 

얼마나 그 자신과 자신의 삶을 사랑했었는지를 알 수 있을 것 같았다.

사랑하는 사람이 있다 하더라도 모든 것을 채워 줄 수는 없는 그 무엇이 있을 것이라고 생각한다.

그렇지만,

영화를 통해서 이 이야기를 보았을 때는, 자신이 사랑했던 삶을 더 이상 살 수 없게 되어서가 아니라

윌이 루이자를 사랑하게 되었기 때문에 더더욱 그 죽음에 대한 결심을 굳히게 되지 않았을까 하고 생각하게 되었다.

사랑하는 그녀가 묶여 있지 않도록,

자유로울 수 있도록.

윌이 루이자에게 보내는 편지는 가슴 속을 훅 파고들었다.

길고 긴 그 이야기가 이 편지를 위해 달려온 것 처럼 느껴질 정도였다.

이야기에 심하게 반해 원서를 산 씸에게 찍어 보내달라고 해서 옮겨보았다.

가끔 여기에 와서 읽어 봐야지...

- from the book "Me before you" -

Clark,

A few weeks will have passed by the time you read this (even given your newfound organisational skills, I doubt you will have made it to Paris before early September). I hope the coffee is good and strong and the croissants fresh and that the weather is still sunny enough to sit outside on one of those metallic chairs that never sit quite level on the pavement. It's not bad, the Marquis. The steak is also good, if you fancy coming back for lunch. And if you look down the road to your left you will hopefully see L'Artisan Parfumeur where, after you read this, you should go and try the scent called something like Papillons Extrême (Can't quite remember). I always did think it would smell great on you.

Okay, instructions over. There are a few things I wanted to say and would have told you in person, but a)you would have got all emotional and b) you wouldn't have let me say al this out loud. You always did talk too much.

So here it is: the cheque you got in the initial envelope from Michael Lawler was not the full amount, but just a small gift, to help you through your first weeks of unemployment, and to get you to Paris.

When you get back to England, take this letter to Michael in his London office and he will give you the relevant documents so you can access an account he has set up for me in your name. This account contains enough for you to buy somewhere nice to live and to pay for your degree course and your living expenses while you are in full-time education.

My parents will have been told all about it. I hope that this, and Michael Lawler's legal work, will ensure there is as little fuss as possible.

Clark, I can practically hear you starting to hyperventilate from here. Don't start panicking, or trying to give it away - It's not enough for you to sit on your arse for the rest of your life. But it should buy you your freedom, both from that claustrophobic little town we both call home, and from the kind of choices you have so far felt you have to make.

I'm not giving te money to you because I want you to feel wistful, or indebted to me, or to feel that it's some kind of bloody memorial.

I'm giving you this because there is not much that makes me happy any more, but you do.

I am conscious that knowing me has caused you pain, and grief, and I hope that one day when you are less angry with me and less upset you will see not just that I could only have done the thing that I did, but also that this will help you live a really good life, a better life, than if you hadn't met me.

You're going to feel uncomfortable in your new world for a bit. It always does feel strange to be knocked out of your comfort zone. But I hope you feel a bit exhilarated too. Your face when you came back from diving that time told me everything; there is a hunger in you, Clark. A fearlessness. You just buried it, like most people do.

I'm not really telling you to jump off tall buildings or swim with whales or anything (although I would secretly love to think you were), but to live boldly. Push yourself. Don't settle. Wear those stripy legs with pride. And if you insist on settling down with some ridiculous bloke, make sure some of this is squirrelled away somewhere. Knowing you still have possibilities is a luxury. Knowing I might have given them to you has alleviated something for me.

So this is it. You are scored on my heart, Clar, You were from the first day you walked in, with your ridiculous clothes and your bad jokes and your complete inability to ever hide you single thing you felt. You changed my life so much more than this money will ever change yours.

Don't think of me too often. I don't want to think of you getting all maudlin. Just live well.

Just live.

Love,

Will.